Parenting Teenagers: The Difference between Accidental and Foolish Behavior

It is time to review again the difference between accidental and foolish behavior with my kids. I though this principle up years ago when my boys were going through one of those rowdy times boys go through and stuff kept getting broke. I would hear the plaintive voices of the boys proclaiming, “It was an accident. I didn’t mean to. We didn’t mean to. You never told us… fill in the blank: You never told us not to throw sock balls in the dining room by the crystal chandler. You never told us not to wrestle in the basement by the wall; we didn’t mean to trample our little sister as we wrestled in the basement. It was an accident. “

We had the usual parental rules: no throwing balls in the house, no wrestling in the living room etc. The problem with rules is that they create loopholes that clever children try to wiggle through. A parent winds up trying to cover all the loopholes, which is the kids’ plan. As long as a parent is loop holing the kids have wiggle room to do what they want and argue their case later.

Principle works much better than rules. There is no wiggle room and the responsibility to implement the principle rests with the kids not with the parent. Up to that point, I didn’t realize I needed an overall principle to govern the boys’ behavior in our home.

I though and prayed about the difference between accidents and foolishness. The difference is that an accident can’t be anticipated and foolishness can. This is the principle that helped cut down the damage the boys were doing to our home:

If you can reasonably expect something to get broken or someone to get hurt, that is foolish behavior. We discipline for foolish behavior.

Accident happen, even if there is harm, there is no foul. We don’t discipline for accidents. Clean up the mess; notify the proper parental unit if there is blood or broken bones. Foolishness can be anticipated, even of there is no harm (yet) there is a foul and we discipline or at the very least, allow our kids to experience the consequences of their foolish behavior.

I made all four of my kids memorize the principle. I made some of the boys’ friends memorize it also.

The nice thing about parenting by principle is that even though the circumstances change the principle still applies. The kids no long fling thing around the house and the little sister can move out of the way of wrestling teens.

Time to review it with the teens. For example: If you drive on empty is it an accident or foolishness that you are out of gas. Or if you don’t put the pool pass back in the basket, is it an accident or foolishness that a) you are paying to get into the pool now and then looking for the pool pass later or b) you are going to be late meeting your friends because you have no money and have to find the pass to go to the pool.

Sometimes I love being a mom.

Comments

[TMinut]

This is a very helpful post! Of course, I needed it about 10 years ago but i do still have one left at home. I remember thinking that they can't be allowed to get away with this but how do I phrase this? I got real general, my rule was No Dead Babies (Boys as they got older). If there's any possibility your activity may kill you, a brother or a friend, you're WRONG!
I completely agree with you whole idea of principle instead of endlessly making ever more specific rules.And even though I enjoy how I always phrased it, your foolishness vs. accident would have been very helpful!

[Carol Taber]

I like No Dead Babies. Short and too point. I could see myself saying," Remember NDB!"

[SmallWorld Reads]

The foolish vs. accidental behavior is something we've emphasized in the parenting course we teach every few years at our church. It is always a good reminder for me to have mercy and grace for accidents (however annoying) but to recognized foolishness!

[Asianmommy]

That's a good principle. I think I'll be using it soon.