Parenting Teenagers: Listening for the Loopholes
Thursday, July 31, 2008 at 09:11PM Parents of teens often comment (It should be noted that no matter how we phrase it or our tone, we parents of teens never complain. At the most we sound righteously indignant.) that our kids don’t listen. After parenting four teens, I have come to realize that it is not that they don’t listen to us. The truth is our kids listen on a deeper level than we realize. They are processing beyond our words to deeper realities. They are listening for the loopholes.
As a parent I say, “Please (we parents of teens always say please. If we don’t say it aloud, we are saying it in our hearts) darling child clean out the dishwashers so I can get the kitchen clean.” I then leave the kitchen to indulge my selfish self in vacuuming, dusting and laundry secure in the knowledge that I have been both fair in what I asked (I did not for example ask that she clean the kitchen (that would cause a discussion of how it is not her mess. A discussion I wisely avoid) and I was clear in what I desired her to accomplish. (Don’t you love a good run on sentence.)
Unfortunately I have once again have failed to realize my child would process what I have said at a deeper level. She found the loophole. I didn’t specify the time I wanted the dishwasher cleaned out. She reasons that without a specified time stated by the party of the first part (hereafter designated the mom), there is no specific action engendered on the party of the second part (hereafter designated the put upon daughter), therefore any righteous indignation by the mom expressed to the put upon daughter is both unreasonable and uncalled for.
Several months ago in an act of insanity, my husband told my astounded 13 year old she no longer has a set bedtime on Friday nights. I guess he figured that since all the other teens were up what was one more. She has to be in her room by 11 pm but there is no longer a specified bedtime. He meant but did not state that he expected her to actually go to sleep sometime during the night. Enter the loophole. This one was so big that even I spotted it right away. The parent said you don’t have a set bedtime; the child processed that information, as I don’t have to go to sleep Friday night if I don’t want to.
The man was honestly righteously indignant when he awoke at 4:30 am this past week to use the bathroom and found our 13 year old was still awake in her room.
To all parents of teens: Anticipate the loophole.
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Reader Comments (10)
My, my! Teenagers will make good litigation lawyers!
Thanks for the heads up! :-)
Oh my god I did not understand things to be this way,
My mom keeps nagging me and scolding me even though I do the task she gives me. She makes smaller tasks become big without being quite precise
I've got an iitear old who's at it alread.I request a cup of tea- But I did'nt say when. most of my requests are met with an "Ah but you didn't say. . . when, how ,where, why,They're lawyers in the making, exept they don't like rules.
Teens are cleverer than folk realise.
The teen years are not that far behind me--my daughter is 23. I notice that little by little, this constant challenging of authority slowly diminishes as the teen takes on more and more responsibility and becomes more and more independent. There is a real person in there--just be patient.
OMG! That is sooooo funny. Yes, I have raised a 21 year old and working on the 15 year old. Okay, the fifteen year old does want to become a lawyer for this very thing. I am telling you. A second cup of barcadi sure pegged my daughter. Okay, yes, you do have to be very specific, but somehow I am trying to teach her to take some initiative to maybe (wishful thinking on my part) to do more than she is asked. What was I thinking.
My friend Samanatha over at Edge of Insansity www.browerfamilyof5.wordpress.com is raising small boys right now. Lord please let her read this post.
Thanks Second Cup.
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Pkayfit
Great post. I don't have teens yet but I do see all four of my little ones already learning to look for these loopholes.
Tony
With two teens and a tween I find that I really have to stay sharp and concise. It really gets tough when they try to turn a loophole into a knotted ball of angst. Fortunately, they're kept busy enough to avoid a lot of issues. Good post!
Happy birthday!
I found you through Entrecard, and I have to say I love your blog.
I am going through this with my 15 year old son right now and it's driving me nuts lol My husband is always telling me that our son will find the loophole if I don't be more specific when talking to him.
It's always good to know your not alone :-)