Parenting Teens: Good Parents: Difficult Kids: Part One

One of my sisters suggested a post on good parents and bad kids. There are bad parents out there. They provide everything or nothing for their kids. They do not allow them to experience any struggle or they don’t protect their kids from what is truly dangerous to the kids’ bodies, minds or souls. They are very bad parents not because of all they do but because they do not do the one most important thing: develop character in their child. A friend recently told me of the experience she had of seeing a parent confronted with proof that his child was cheating and the parent denying even the possibility (in the face of the evidence) that his child was cheating because the child was being raise in a Christian home. That parent at that point in time because he chose not to see the nature of his child’s heart was a very bad parent.

There are good parents who raise very good kids. There are bad parents who raise bad kids. This makes sense. Garbage in, garbage out is truism in our computer centric society. What is seemly inexplicable is people with poor parenting skills raising good kids. Inexplicable but in its odd way delightful, the triumph of nature over nurture.

What is heartbreaking to any parent is when you try your best and the kids choose self- will over good. The kids don’t see their behavior as self-willed. They want freedom, adventure, privilege, acceptance, whatever. The heart wants what the heart wants and they don’t care the cost to themselves or anyone else. The Bible calls this self-willfulness our sin nature.

I wrote, “Try our best” as parents because being willful beings ourselves (we parents also have a sin nature, hard to believe but true) we will not parent perfectly. We will get angry, jump to conclusions, not care, not understand, misunderstand, miss the important play or ballgame, are tired, are self-absorbed, etc. As parents rising our children in a Christian home, I have come to see over two decades of parenting, that while we have poured time, pray and effort into raising our children, it is ultimately God’s grace in their lives that drawing them to Himself .That relationship effects the choices they make now as teens and semi-adults. We have been fortunate as parents.

Does that mean non-Christian parents can’t raise good kids? Of course not. I am writing from my own experience as a parent in particular, not of parents in general. Does this mean Christian parent raise perfect kids…? Have you not been reading A Second Cup? If my kids were perfect, I would have nothing to write about.

Reality is some times (I don’t mean to scare the bejeebers out of parent of younger kids) you are a good parent and your child will be difficult in the teen years. The choice lies at that point, not so much in what you do, but in the heart of your child.

I changed the wording from bad kids to difficult kids for a specific reason. One of the unexpected insights that comes from being active in a faith community (our church) is learning people’s histories. I’ve worked with, gotten to know and raised my kid with tons of amazing woman over the years. A small but significant percentage of those women were wild, wayward, troubled young women. Some of them were the kind of teens parents despair of. Yet here they are strong marriages, good mothers, some with careers outside their homes, some not. Difficult teens can mature over time into good adults.

Good parents can find themselves struggling to finish rising difficult children. What then is a parent to do?

Comments

[Stacey]

Welcome Home!!! I've missed reading your words of wisdom every day.

[Tony]

I look back and see how wayward my brother and I went as teenagers. My brother has never come out of it. We were raised in a Christian home. I can look back and see mistakes my parents make. I try to avoid those same mistakes but I know I'm making plenty of my own anyway.

In the end, it was my Christian roots that brought me back and it's my brother's own choice to continue on his own path.

I have four, ages 10, 8, 7 and 5. It's scary as a parent. I pray the faith roots of my children grow deep while their young and if the stray, the roots hold firm.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom as you've navigated and continue to navigate the teenage years as a parent.

Tony