Parenting Teens: Good Parents: Difficult Kids: Part 2

Your child is now in his teens or early twenties. You have poured prayer, time, and effort into that child. I remember talking with a good friend about the struggles we were having with our oldest son. Bless her heart; she started to say,” If parents would just ….” Then she looked at me, realized who she was talking to and continued” But you did all that”. Yeah we did, not perfectly or always well, but yes, we, my husband and I, take parenting our children very seriously, still here, we were, struggling. Some things we have learned:

For some difficulties, time and reality are the best teachers. Our oldest failed out of a very good, excellent if you will college, reading dead European writers and being active in Campus Life. He blew an amazing opportunity. Looking back, we can see how our “helping him apply for college” did not really help. That situation could have gone either way. Understanding his character better now, we would not be so “helpful” and would let him flounder earlier. Because flounder he did. Three years later, he is a poor but humble youth pastor intern and he is going back to college this coming winter semester. What was a huge struggle resolved itself over time. If only we had a crystal ball, as parents we would not have worried, plan or plotted how to save this child from himself.

Again sometimes the difficulty lies in the parents desire to help a child. Help the child cannot or will not accept. Our second son is a less than diligent student. He is a rising 11^th grader and past behavior is an indication of future performance, he will be an A, two B’s and a C student. His grades are not going to get him into the college of his choice. My husband is adamant we don’t micro manage this child and let him experience the consequences of his lack of diligence. This difficulty will resolve itself over time. I will grow gray but he will grow up.

For some difficulties, there are no easy answers and the long-term consequences of a child’s behavior can drain a family perhaps destroying a marriage. For parents struggling to finish raising a child involved with drugs or other criminal behavior, there is an excellent out of print book called “Before It Is Too Late” by Stanton Samenow.

I can say this: Be careful to protect your marriage. Do what you need to do to protect your other children. Be prepared for your child to blame you for any and all that they have done wrong. I have watched too many good parents be crushed under the guilt of their own mistakes, being used by their wayward kids, to justify their wayward actions. Acknowledge fault where you are at fault, make amends as needed but understand if you have taught your child to be a person of character, they are responsible for their own foolish and/or criminal behavior.

What I have observed is that truly bad kids are rare. Truly difficult kids are more common than we parents would like to think.

Moreover, I have seen that for the parent struggling to finish raising difficult teens….there is always hope.

Were you a difficult teen? How did your parents finish raising you?

Comments

[Solomon]

I was a perfect teen. The only thing my mother had to complain about was the fact that I'd pick the cat up. I'm serious - "it's a wonder that cat's got four legs!" was all the moaning she did. I never did drugs, I never did alcohol, I never smoked a cigarette. I couldn't drive until I was 20, and still live at home now.

Of course, I knew what my parents expected of me as a child. Perfection, and nothing less. So I could never tell them about the suicidal episodes I was having during puberty and adolescence (for about 10 years, all told), about the bullying, about all the stuff I had to go through. Because that would have been less than perfect.

I basically raised myself through those years, letting them believe in the fallacy that we were a big happy family.

How did my parents finish raising me?

Badly.

[Scott @ The Passive Dad]

I think we can all use a reminder to "protect our marriage" time and time again. It never gets old for me. It's so easy to get lazy or take our spouse for granted, especially when kids are involved.

Quick story on how blessed I am with my two little ones now. I was mowing the lawn this morning and my two kids wanted to help and walk behind the mower. I had to mentally store the image as I want to remember it when they are teenagers :)

[Gina]

I wasn't difficult, but I was far from perfect, made bad choices, but learned from my mistakes. Life teaches us and sometimes we, as parents try to protect our kids from making bad choices we may have made, or from life in general. But how will they learn if they don't make their own mistakes? It's something I struggle with as a parent. I don't always know where to find the right balance.