Getting From Here to There: The Elements of Character Training Part 1A
Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 12:00AM There are as many ways to organize the elements of character training, as there are parents and the experts they look to. Having a process to think though as you go about training character in your child is incredibly helpful. It allows you evaluate where your child is in the process and how to proceed. I don’t have any impressive letters after my name but I do have 20 + years (68 years if you count each child individually. Parenting multiple kids is a balance between parenting the individual and the group) of parenting experience. It didn’t prepare me for dealing with one of my kids but you can’t cover everything in just four kids.
With the first three, this formula worked very well.
Training = Teaching + Discipline + Punishment
Teaching is all methods of communicating to your child what you desire them to do and why you desire them to do it. The what and the why are equally important. Teaching consistent of but not limited to oral instruction, demonstrating, visual clues and /or working with your child. Equally important, mention why you do what you do. For preschoolers the first goal of teaching is allowing them to succeed. For older children the goal is mastery of the desired tasks. As an adult, you hope your child will choose to live out the desired character trait.
When should you start training? When 1) your child can understand simple instructions and 2) when your child has the physically ability to do what you ask. In preschoolers, the ability to understand and the physical ability to do the desired action don’t always develop at the same time. Wait until your child can do both.
For example: You decide that being responsible for her own stuff is a desired character trait in your child.
Between 18 and 24 months, you can usually (see above) start to teach your child to toss her dirty diaper in the garbage. This example assumes your garbage can is easy for the baby to access. Shoes in the shoebox work or sippy cup by the sink also work well to start responsibility training.
Get down at eye level with your child. You can’t communicate information if your child isn’t paying attention to you. Say, “ Sally, put your diaper in the garbage” Hand the baby the diaper and toddle with her to the garbage. Toss the diaper in the garbage, jump around like a fool, praising her to the hilt. Take the diaper out, walk a few steps back, do the whole thing again two more times.
Continue above when ever you change her diaper. Several diapers later, hand her the diaper, give her the request and walk behind her. When she tosses the diaper in the garbage, jump around like a fool clapping and praising her.
Eventually hand her the diaper and off she will go to the garbage. Thank her for doing a good job.
Will a young preschool understand why you are requesting she do what ever, no of course not. As a parent you a building a platform for future training. We teach our 2 year olds their letters as a platform to teaching them to read at a future date. It is easier to start training with a 2 year old than a 5 year old. It is far easier to character train a 5 year old than a 9 year old. You will have a struggle if you wait until nine (not a good idea) and by 12 your influence is lessening as other influences begin to vie for your child’s attention.
Through the whole process, keep explaining why it is important for Sally to be responsible. The why is anchored in your values. If you don’t explain why you are doing what you are doing, your child will fill the whys in for herself. When she is older, she could easily decide the reason she has to put her shoes away, clean her room or take out the garbage is that you are lazy! (Seen that happen.)
We anchored why we do what we do in the nature and person of God. God is a God of order and we are responsible/delighted to use the blessing He has given us to honor Him. At 18 months truth was filtered down to “It makes Jesus happy when we take care of His blessings”.
Next time: Teaching older children
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Reader Comments (3)
Lots of wisdom there. Thanks for sharing it.
My "Formula"...
Fix them: Not like we do dogs! Rather, fix their attention on a task.
Break them: Not like we do horses! Rather, give them a break when they wander off task.
Take them in: Not in the sense of "tricking" them...
Set them up: ... so, NOT like teaching a dog a trick.
(Rather ACCEPT them -- take them into your lives -- and GIVE them the resources they need to succeed at each step of their progress -- set them up, in a business for example).
Put them down: Not like we do horses NOR by using negative feedback (DON'T PUNISH!). Rather, we stop supporting them at some point (putting them down gently).
BTW: The process is called "domestication" and not "character building".
In short, I'm appalled at your formula, especially ordering people around and punishing them. Being BIGGER than someone else is not excuse for enslaving and using force.
PS. "Domestication" comes to mean "ownership" (specifically, ownership of ones own domicile... or home). So, seeing as how you're trying to get them to take care of YOUR home (before finally kicking them out)... the process ends with them either owning your home (your death) or your buying them their own first home. Either way, you lose and they win: It's punishment for your sin (fornication).