Blog Marriage in Real Life: Understanding Men: Nagging
Thursday, September 4, 2008 at 12:14PM My husband does not like to be nagged. I have always understood this in theory. It took me, oh about 19 years to understand how the theory was to be applied in our marriage. In the hope of saving some young woman decades of frustration, I would like to explain how to avoid being perceived as nagging your man.
Part of my learning curve was understanding that men and women define the verb“nagging” differently.
A woman only perceives herself as nagging if she has to ask similar question on a given topic more than four times in a 2 hour period. For example: Will you take the garbage out please? Did you take the garbage out? Did you take the garbage out yet? Are you planning to take the garbage out in the next 24 hours or would you prefer I hire someone to so it? 63.28% of adult women think this is a reasonable series of questions to ask on a topic of taking out the garbage over a 2 hour period. Asking a fifth time, instead of just going ahead and hiring someone, constitutes nagging.
In contrast, 100% of men think that after the first question (Will you take out the garbage please?) any mention of the word garbage in their presence within the next 192 hours constitutes nagging on the part of their wives. This perception holds true whether they have actually taken the garbage out or not.
Having understood the perceptual differences, I looked for ways to overcome them. There aren’t any.
I have discovered through trail and error that sometimes it is wiser in the long run (but a definite aggravation in the short run) to love people as they are, not as you want them to be. If my husband agrees to do a specific task and doesn’t follow through,
I have to my amazement, discovered I have options other than nagging as to how I respond to his behavior:
1) If he gets preoccupied and forgot, than I can remind him once.
2) If the task doesn’t have the same importance to him as to me and he will get to it when he gets to it, I found is wiser will wait a while, than remind him with a kiss.
3) If there is something going on that is not covered by option 1or 2, than keeping in mind the different ways men and women define what constitutes nagging, I try finding a non-naggy way to get the task done. I am very good at hiring people.
4) If he consistently blowing me off then... he is mad. Most often, he is mad because he feels disrespected. This is the tricky part. I can get mad back or I can acknowledge his feelings and how my behavior/attitude is affecting him, even if I have done nothing disrespectful from my point of view and change it. Keep in mind men think weird.
5) If he is just being a self-centered pain in the patootie, it happens. I want to be loved even when I am in self-centered patootie mode. I try to be kind but firm in mentioning the patootieness. Sometimes I blow up. All in all kindness works better in the long run even if blowing up promises to feel better in the short run.
Very unPC, I know. In the early years of our marriage, if someone had given me the above list, I would have laughed in her face or at the very least behind her back. All husbands are different. I can only speak from my experience, but finding non-naggy ways of relating to my husband has helped me a lot. I haven’t had to hire anyone to take out the garbage in years.
Anyone have a different or similar view? Be nice....I uploaded that image, I can figure out how to edit comments...if I have to.
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Reader Comments (6)
LOL, great post! I am not a nag, my husband leaves me no choice though. He leaves his shoes around, and will walk over something rather than picking it up and putting it away! Drives me crazy! But nagging hasn't changed him so I am learning to deal with it. Is that fair though? At least I see I'm not the only one!
Ok, IMHO, Men do not think weird. Ok, Most men do not think weird.
Actually I think your hour count is off just a tad. I go for 190 hours myself, but that is a very good guess.
I'm sorry but I don't see an image. Other than the header.
L-O-V-E your blog layout. I wish every one followed your lead. Makes it so easy to read.
Beamer
I think part of the problem is that they don't recognize the implied NOW when the initial request is made. When we ask for thinks to be done we are not asking for them to be done two hours from NOW.
Great post, very well done and funny! Yeahhhhh... I'm not a nag, not in the female definition of the word. But ask Hubs and he'll disagree. You got the hourly count down pretty well, lol!
Hey, I've been married a little over 19 years, too!
I've learned that it's better to let the garbage stay there for a few days, let it get good and stinky, and he'll take it out eventually. Better than having rage seethe from his nose for a week!
Hya Carol this is a great post. men have a completely different set of prorities, they're the same here in the UK. After 16 years of marriage like you I've learned a few tricks. Ithink we need to work out what they want ie he wants to be a hero so. . .I start to carry out the rubbish letting him see me struggle and hopefully, Superman gene will kick in or guilt ,I'll settle for either.But when my husband says Your nagging me" I say "No I'm just telling you what to do"
My cousin introduced me to your blog! This was the first one I read and enjoyed it utterly! I laughed, agreed, disagreed, and then laughed again... But it's true.... you get more with honey than you do with vinegar... my hubby doesn't like to be nagged so I just make sure when i do ask for a favor or whatever it is, that i have his full attention the first time! LOL
thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of your blogs.
Kat