Monday, October 27, 2008 at 12:00AM
Getting this post organized was one of the minor tasks cluttering my mind. Vacumning the fridge is next. I live an exciting life.
If you would like to catch up on the Getting Here to There series here are the posts to date:
A Vision for the Future Part 1
A Vision for the Future Part 2
The Elements of Character Training
Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 12:00AM Character training = Teaching + Discipline + Praise + Consequences
Discipline: What you as the parent do to reinforce what you are teaching. Discipline can be positive or negative. Kids forget, they don’t understand, they make mistakes or have accidents. You don’t want to apply consequences for anything but defiance.
It is common to think discipline and consequences serve the same purpose, consequently parents use the same actions for both. Separating the two allows for clearer thinking on the parents part in deciding if your communication has been effective and what to do 1) when what you are teaching isn’t being understood by your child or 2) the kid just doesn’t care. Therefore, it is more effective not to use the same action for disciplining and applying consequences.
For example: This is just an example of thinking through the process of character training: You can use this (or not) in any way than is helpful to you.
You want to be able to take your child to the library, the store, where ever without an uproar. That is a part of daily life that you can use as a tool to help your child mature in his self-control. You say to your 3 year old. Sweetie we are going to practice self-control when we go to the library today. That means you can take out five books. (I had to limit the number of books because with three kids I was always losing books. I could keep track of 15 a week.) Self-control means when I say it is time to go we leave without any arguing and with your five books. If you don’t argue and leave without arguing showing self-control then you will have five books to enjoy this week and we can stop at the park. If you pit a fit, we will go right home and you will be timed out. Okay, how many books can you take out? Why is self-control important?
Positive discipline: getting the books and the park to reinforce the concepts of self-control, obeying mom and leaving without arguing. Negative discipline: If you argue, we will not take out any book. Consequences: If you pitch a fit, you will be timed out when we get home.
The question at the end is important because you want your child to have a growing understanding of why you do what you do. Why is self-control important? Why be generous, honest, or kind? As you verbally fill in that blank (again and again), your child begins to internalize the values you desire her to have.
For example: with our kids we told them: Self-control in important because it leads to freedom. If you are self-controlled, we can take you anywhere and have a lot of fun.
Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 12:00AM Character training = Teaching + Discipline + Praise + Consequences
Teaching is all methods of communicating to your child what you desire them to do and why you desire them to do it. The what and the why are equally important. Teaching consistent of but not limited to oral instruction, demonstrating, visual clues and /or working with your child. Equally important, mention why you do what you do.
The goal of teaching younger children is to break down tasks related to character traits you are developing so they can succeed. The example I used was putting the diaper in the garbage. I did this with my kids; it was am easy place for me to start responsibility training. With little ones, the focus is on teaching, discipline and praise. Consequences come into play with older children. (See here for definitions of all elements)
The goal for older children is both mastery of the task and hopefully internalizing the character trait you are trying to develop in your child. The reason you have for doing something or being a certain kind of person is vitally as you seek to develop character in your child.
Being creative in teaching and discipline, appropriated praise and consistent consequences and prayer are a parents best tools in character training.
You still want to break a task down to simple steps so your child can succeed.
For example: Cleaning his own bedroom is a common chore that is very handy for developing character in a child. A 5 year old if given a few specific tasks at a time can pick up his room. "Joe you are going to clean this room. You are blessed with all this stuff, how cool is that. So pick up your books and shoes first."
Over time, a child can be taught how to clean her own bedroom. Over time, you can use the process of cleaning to help your
child mature in various character traits: responsibility, diligence, commitment
to family, helpfulness, thoughtfulness.
Here are some sites that have specific steps for you to think through and use if you desire:
Cleaning Your Childs bedroom the Fun Way
Again talking to your child about why you do what you do is primary in developing character of the heart. If your goal is a clean room, teaching a child how to clean will suffice. If you goal is using common household tasks as tools to develop character, you have to explain and have your child eventual explain back, the why of what you are doing. Sally, why do you have to keep your room clean?
How would your child answer that question? Cleaning a bedroom matters for today. How you child answers that question over time can be useful to you in shaping her future as an adult.
Thursday, October 2, 2008 at 12:00AM In light of a comment I received last week I have been rethinking how I was explaining the elements of character training. She made some good points and as my third degree burns are beginning to heal, I have been able to think through those points. In all humility, I don’t think the commenter and I will ever agree on all the specifics of how to raise children. That is okay. In the end, it is the parent’s call. Please visit: Mindrec for a different perspective.
The assumption is parents love their children and desire them to be mature adults one day. I can see where the "formula" can be subject to abuse. If a parent desires to dominate a child he will use any justification.
I did adjust my formula a little and I want to briefly define some terms.
Character training = Teaching + Discipline + Praise + Consequences
A formula is a system of thinking to aid in mapping out how to accomplish a goal. We use formulas all the time without thing of them as such. A recipe is in effect someone’s formalized approach to making a cake. You can follow that approach to the letter, you can adjust it to suit your purpose, or you can develop another recipe on your own or you can bake a pie. The choice is yours.
Teaching was defined by me last week: Teaching is all methods of communicating to your child what you desire them to do and why you desire them to do it. The what and the why are equally important. Teaching consistent of but not limited to oral instruction, demonstrating, visual clues and /or working with your child. Equally important, mention why you do what you do.
The world I live in is both gentle and rational so I forget that some words can come with loaded emotional content. Words like discipline and punishment don’t hold the same negative emotional content for me that it can hold for others.
I kept discipline. I define that word in this context as meaning: What you as the parent do to reinforce what you are teaching. Discipline can be positive or negative. A common example of what I call discipline is homework. The purpose of homework is to reinforce what your child had learned in school. Another example is chore charts or reward charts. A negative example would be a time out. We will talk about discipline in more detail later.
I did change punishment to consequences. Punishment is just too emotionally charged to continue using. Consequences are the out come of a child’s defiance. Sometimes consequences are natural; sometimes you as the parent have to create them. Consequences in this context are always negative.
Separating teaching, discipline, praise and consequences can help you as the parent think through a given situation and decide how best to respond in order to develop your child’s character.
For example: When the kids were little we took the three of them to my parent’s church and they were terrible! There was nothing we could to at the time about their behavior without being even more disruptive to the service then they all ready were. Remember these kids have been going to church since conception, they all know how to behave…or not. Our services are much less formal than my parents are. The kids behaved like they always did but in the formal setting they were disruptive. Thinking through I realized we has not taught them how to behave in a formal church setting. What they needed was to be taught. They needed information about the world they had not received yet. The next time, in my parent’s church they were as good as gold (and very bored).
There are some examples of discipline above.
This formula doesn’t take into account praise. Praise feeds a child’s heart and is a necessary element of character training.
Consequences are the outcome of defiance. One of the types of character training I did with the kids was safety training. Don’t run in the road, basic safety training. If your 3 year old forgets and runs in the road that’s not defiance. You are back to teaching or discipline as needed. However when your 3 year old looks you in the eye and takes off for the road, that is defiance. You had better have a plan for how you will deal with that attitude of the heart before life invokes its own consequences. One day your 16 year old will look you in the eye and promise not to drink and drive, and take off out the door…..then what. What will be the content of your child’s character as she heads out that door?
Next week: Teaching older children
Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 12:00AM There are as many ways to organize the elements of character training, as there are parents and the experts they look to. Having a process to think though as you go about training character in your child is incredibly helpful. It allows you evaluate where your child is in the process and how to proceed. I don’t have any impressive letters after my name but I do have 20 + years (68 years if you count each child individually. Parenting multiple kids is a balance between parenting the individual and the group) of parenting experience. It didn’t prepare me for dealing with one of my kids but you can’t cover everything in just four kids.
With the first three, this formula worked very well.
Training = Teaching + Discipline + Punishment
Teaching is all methods of communicating to your child what you desire them to do and why you desire them to do it. The what and the why are equally important. Teaching consistent of but not limited to oral instruction, demonstrating, visual clues and /or working with your child. Equally important, mention why you do what you do. For preschoolers the first goal of teaching is allowing them to succeed. For older children the goal is mastery of the desired tasks. As an adult, you hope your child will choose to live out the desired character trait.
When should you start training? When 1) your child can understand simple instructions and 2) when your child has the physically ability to do what you ask. In preschoolers, the ability to understand and the physical ability to do the desired action don’t always develop at the same time. Wait until your child can do both.
For example: You decide that being responsible for her own stuff is a desired character trait in your child.
Between 18 and 24 months, you can usually (see above) start to teach your child to toss her dirty diaper in the garbage. This example assumes your garbage can is easy for the baby to access. Shoes in the shoebox work or sippy cup by the sink also work well to start responsibility training.
Get down at eye level with your child. You can’t communicate information if your child isn’t paying attention to you. Say, “ Sally, put your diaper in the garbage” Hand the baby the diaper and toddle with her to the garbage. Toss the diaper in the garbage, jump around like a fool, praising her to the hilt. Take the diaper out, walk a few steps back, do the whole thing again two more times.
Continue above when ever you change her diaper. Several diapers later, hand her the diaper, give her the request and walk behind her. When she tosses the diaper in the garbage, jump around like a fool clapping and praising her.
Eventually hand her the diaper and off she will go to the garbage. Thank her for doing a good job.
Will a young preschool understand why you are requesting she do what ever, no of course not. As a parent you a building a platform for future training. We teach our 2 year olds their letters as a platform to teaching them to read at a future date. It is easier to start training with a 2 year old than a 5 year old. It is far easier to character train a 5 year old than a 9 year old. You will have a struggle if you wait until nine (not a good idea) and by 12 your influence is lessening as other influences begin to vie for your child’s attention.
Through the whole process, keep explaining why it is important for Sally to be responsible. The why is anchored in your values. If you don’t explain why you are doing what you are doing, your child will fill the whys in for herself. When she is older, she could easily decide the reason she has to put her shoes away, clean her room or take out the garbage is that you are lazy! (Seen that happen.)
We anchored why we do what we do in the nature and person of God. God is a God of order and we are responsible/delighted to use the blessing He has given us to honor Him. At 18 months truth was filtered down to “It makes Jesus happy when we take care of His blessings”.
Next time: Teaching older children