Parenting Semi-Adults: Perhaps You Won't Have To Wait Till They Have Kids

Princess sent me a journal entry for one of her classes. This is posted with her permission.

Childhood

I will never forget sitting around the dinner table at one of our customary family dinners and remising childhood with my teenage and preteen brothers, in the company of my parents and still child sister. Our conversation consisted of practically everything that went wrong in our early years collectively, which impressively could be summed up in a ten-minute discussion. However this exchange drove my mother from the table in tears. In my egocentric world of age twelve, I could not understand why my mother did not find this conversation amusing. In fact my lifelong goal (established at age three) was to point out what my mother did wrong as a parent, and by age ten I had skimmed through three of her many parenting books and decided that I would just have to show her with my own children how child rearing was done. However as the years have gone by I have come to realize what an incredible childhood I did have, something my parents worked very hard for. I have nothing but fond memories when I think about those years of my youth. My mother is a very wise women and an incredible parent. She already knows this, but I begin to realize it a little more each year.

Parenting Adults: Men To Boys

 Haggi has been visiting for a few weeks. I have noticed gradual erosion of his adult skills. Damp towels are appearing on the leather chair in the room he is sleeping in. Dishes are no longer making their way back to the kitchen. No one but no one uses my laptop without my express permission (very rarely given).The adult child is returning to semi-adult status with my unpermissioned laptop in his use. He is sleeping later and later.

I observe this with some amusement. It would get old if he was living here but since he leaves in a few days it’s kinda endearing.

Parenting Semi-Adults: Decision Making and Responsibility and Stepping Outside the Norm

We have run into quite a bit of silent disapproval from our friends with teens about our allowing Princess to fly to NYC and stay overnight, alone for her friend’s memorial service. Silence is good. The disapproval is understandable. When as a parent you allow your child to step outside the norms of your given community, whether you want to or not, you create pressure on other parents whose kids are also seeking levels of personal freedom.

If you are a parent who can’t take the pressure created by other parents’ decisions, you are going to be a poor parent controlled in decision making not by the desire to build character in your child but by the whim of your child using others decisions as her argument to justify her willfulness.

As parents we have had lots of practice dealing with the pressure created by other parents’ decisions. We have also done our share in creating pressure for other parents.

As a parent why you do what you do and well as what you do matter.

It is in explaining the why’s of what you are allowing or disallowing your child to do that helps to matures character. Thoughtless freedom, without limits breeds selfishness, the idea that my decisions are my own and if my actions affect anyone else that is their problem.

I am surprised at how much my teens have that attitude. It would be much worse if we hadn’t invested time in teaching, explaining and enforcing the importance of why or why not. The only two people who have to have a thought through, mostly consistent answer to why or why not somethingn is or is not allowed is you, the parents. Verbally communicating your decision making process to your child is as important as actively making a overt decision. (Just don’t expect your kid to always agree with your decision especially if their friend’s parents make a different one)

It is the practice of making decisions and the character of your child revealed over time, that when your semi-adult wants to do something that inspires fear on your part and disapproval on the parent of other parents, you are in the position to make the call based on the character of your child.

Even if you are really really worried.

Anyone else find their friend's disapproving of their parenting decisions from time to time?

Parenting Teens: The Modern Teen Connection

A friend mentioned that her family uses four cars to run their lives. I though that was a little excessive until I realized we have 3 cars and pay about a third of the insurance on a fourth.(Maybe even less than a third, that particular semi-adult is becoming more adult and less semi).

Between all of us, we have 5 cell phones, one land line and two extensions, 5 computers of one type or another, 2 TVs (small by modern standards or so we have been informed, either of them hang from the wall), Tivo on one of them, 2 games systems and a separate not hooked up to anything smallish TV for the game systems (we are sadly uncool in the game systems department), at least 3 MP3 players floating around, several CD players and at least one digital camera.

All the children have Facebook accounts, multiple personal e-mail accounts, and one has her own blog. Another is running out of computer space for her schoolwork because of all the songs she has stored. The term external hard drive had been mentioned in my presence. I asked if her computer had a delete function. I remain a sadly uncool parent. I have three active e-mail accounts myself!

Our children do not see us at the epitome of electronic/car blessedness but as a decidedly underpowered family. I am kinda stunned to see all the stuff we use just to communicate, travel or to entertain ourselves.

My parents reared a passel of kids with two cars (even though mom didn’t drive), one phone with two extensions…..that’s pretty much it.

Oh I forgot two TVs (with cable) and some tape recorders and later cassette players. I think there might have been a stereo or two also.

I have no idea how my parents managed.

Parenting Semi-Adults: Personal Freedom vs. Safety: It’s a Female Thing

Princess took off to Sheetz last night at about 11PM to study. I told her I though this was unwise and unsafe. Her dad was asleep. Princess while she didn’t mind listening to my words, she wasn’t about to be swayed by them either. Off she went last night (she arrived back home by 2AM). Today I had a talk with her dad expressing my concern for my very pretty daughter out late at night alone.

After the incident (about 9 months ago) of allowing her to walk around our town later at night and Princess being followed by a young man, who scared the begeebers out of her; that had me waking my husband up to tell him what happened and maybe he will take my safety concerns more seriously in the future, he did listen ..sort of.

The car now has a curfew. Princess may come and go as she pleases. The car has to be home by specific times. It is our car; we pay all the insurance on it and all the upkeep. Our car’s curfew is midnight on weekday and 1 am on weekends; reasonable exceptions will be given on a per need basis. Requests for exceptions must be made to Dad before he goes to bed.

You think the man would read Listening For The Loopholes.

1) Every time Princess wants to keep the car past curfew will be an important exception.

2) Princess is rarely home from work before her dad goes to bed. The conflict will be back in my court.

Princess and I have conflicting goals. She wants her personal freedom; I want her to be safe. On her side, the local Sheets is about as safe a place for late night studying as you can get. Well lit, well staffed, the police drop by often, cheap food, decent coffee and none of the distractions of home. Her brother hung out at Sheetz often for less responsible reasons. If she lived on a college campus, we would be aware of where and how late she was studying.

On my side….late at night, smaller, physically weaker than someone who might try to do her harm, is walking to and from the car ALONE! If she was going with a girlfriend, I still wouldn’t like it but I could keep my concerns to myself. I am aware of where and how late it is.

I suspect our goals will always differ in this area. She will always want her freedom and I will always prefer she was safe. One of us will someday not get what she wants.

At least I will know the car is safe for the next few weeks.