Getting From Here to There: The Elements of Character Training Part 2

Character training = Teaching + Discipline + Praise + Consequences

Discipline: What you as the parent do to reinforce what you are teaching. Discipline can be positive or negative. Kids forget, they don’t understand, they make mistakes or have accidents. You don’t want to apply consequences for anything but defiance.

It is common to think discipline and consequences serve the same purpose, consequently parents use the same actions for both. Separating the two allows for clearer thinking on the parents part in deciding if your communication has been effective and what to do 1) when what you are teaching isn’t being understood by your child or 2) the kid just doesn’t care. Therefore, it is more effective not to use the same action for disciplining and applying consequences.

For example: This is just an example of thinking through the process of character training: You can use this (or not) in any way than is helpful to you.

You want to be able to take your child to the library, the store, where ever without an uproar. That is a part of daily life that you can use as a tool to help your child mature in his self-control. You say to your 3 year old. Sweetie we are going to practice self-control when we go to the library today. That means you can take out five books. (I had to limit the number of books because with three kids I was always losing books. I could keep track of 15 a week.) Self-control means when I say it is time to go we leave without any arguing and with your five books. If you don’t argue and leave without arguing showing self-control then you will have five books to enjoy this week and we can stop at the park. If you pit a fit, we will go right home and you will be timed out. Okay, how many books can you take out? Why is self-control important?

Positive discipline: getting the books and the park to reinforce the concepts of self-control, obeying mom and leaving without arguing. Negative discipline: If you argue, we will not take out any book. Consequences: If you pitch a fit, you will be timed out when we get home.

The question at the end is important because you want your child to have a growing understanding of why you do what you do. Why is self-control important? Why be generous, honest, or kind? As you verbally fill in that blank (again and again), your child begins to internalize the values you desire her to have.

For example: with our kids we told them: Self-control in important because it leads to freedom. If you are self-controlled, we can take you anywhere and have a lot of fun.

Parenting in the Real World: Timing/Spacing Children

When I was a MOPS mentor, from time to time a mom would ask me about the best timing or spacing for the next child. I always though this was an odd question. I grew up in a family of eight and except for my youngest sibling; we are all 11 to 12 months apart. You read correctly, 11 to 12 months. Having a baby every year was standard practice in my home. We all liked babies. Unfortunately, babies grow up and become siblings. We were not all fond of each other all the time growing up. Fortunately, siblings grow up to be adults. Now we all like each other and get along remarkably well. Since we will be adults a lot longer then we were kids, our parent’s “timing” worked out well in the long run.

My four kids are 2 ½ years, 18 months and 4years between one child and the next.

My kids are “timed” all over the place. The two that were 18 months apart were good friends for years. Now that the older 3 are in their late teens and early 20s, they get along quite well. The 13-year-old still has the potential for driving her sibling crazy and she still enjoys living up to her potential.

In term of timing children the only advice I have is to try make sure your child will not turn 18 during his/her senior year of high school. You will save yourself having to listen to” I am legal now and can do what I want. You are not the boss of me. “

It is amusing to listen to this assertion being stated with perfect sincerity and legal justification by a person who still expects to receive food, clothing, shelter and all other thing American teens firmly believe they are entitled to and their parents should provide.

Unless it is your kid saying it.