Monday, October 27, 2008 at 12:00AM
Getting this post organized was one of the minor tasks cluttering my mind. Vacumning the fridge is next. I live an exciting life.
If you would like to catch up on the Getting Here to There series here are the posts to date:
A Vision for the Future Part 1
A Vision for the Future Part 2
The Elements of Character Training
Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 12:00AM Character training = Teaching + Discipline + Praise + Consequences
Discipline: What you as the parent do to reinforce what you are teaching. Discipline can be positive or negative. Kids forget, they don’t understand, they make mistakes or have accidents. You don’t want to apply consequences for anything but defiance.
It is common to think discipline and consequences serve the same purpose, consequently parents use the same actions for both. Separating the two allows for clearer thinking on the parents part in deciding if your communication has been effective and what to do 1) when what you are teaching isn’t being understood by your child or 2) the kid just doesn’t care. Therefore, it is more effective not to use the same action for disciplining and applying consequences.
For example: This is just an example of thinking through the process of character training: You can use this (or not) in any way than is helpful to you.
You want to be able to take your child to the library, the store, where ever without an uproar. That is a part of daily life that you can use as a tool to help your child mature in his self-control. You say to your 3 year old. Sweetie we are going to practice self-control when we go to the library today. That means you can take out five books. (I had to limit the number of books because with three kids I was always losing books. I could keep track of 15 a week.) Self-control means when I say it is time to go we leave without any arguing and with your five books. If you don’t argue and leave without arguing showing self-control then you will have five books to enjoy this week and we can stop at the park. If you pit a fit, we will go right home and you will be timed out. Okay, how many books can you take out? Why is self-control important?
Positive discipline: getting the books and the park to reinforce the concepts of self-control, obeying mom and leaving without arguing. Negative discipline: If you argue, we will not take out any book. Consequences: If you pitch a fit, you will be timed out when we get home.
The question at the end is important because you want your child to have a growing understanding of why you do what you do. Why is self-control important? Why be generous, honest, or kind? As you verbally fill in that blank (again and again), your child begins to internalize the values you desire her to have.
For example: with our kids we told them: Self-control in important because it leads to freedom. If you are self-controlled, we can take you anywhere and have a lot of fun.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 12:00AM There are as many ways to organize the elements of character training, as there are parents and the experts they look to. Having a process to think though as you go about training character in your child is incredibly helpful. It allows you evaluate where your child is in the process and how to proceed. I don’t have any impressive letters after my name but I do have 20 + years (68 years if you count each child individually. Parenting multiple kids is a balance between parenting the individual and the group) of parenting experience. It didn’t prepare me for dealing with one of my kids but you can’t cover everything in just four kids.
With the first three, this formula worked very well.
Training = Teaching + Discipline + Punishment
Teaching is all methods of communicating to your child what you desire them to do and why you desire them to do it. The what and the why are equally important. Teaching consistent of but not limited to oral instruction, demonstrating, visual clues and /or working with your child. Equally important, mention why you do what you do. For preschoolers the first goal of teaching is allowing them to succeed. For older children the goal is mastery of the desired tasks. As an adult, you hope your child will choose to live out the desired character trait.
When should you start training? When 1) your child can understand simple instructions and 2) when your child has the physically ability to do what you ask. In preschoolers, the ability to understand and the physical ability to do the desired action don’t always develop at the same time. Wait until your child can do both.
For example: You decide that being responsible for her own stuff is a desired character trait in your child.
Between 18 and 24 months, you can usually (see above) start to teach your child to toss her dirty diaper in the garbage. This example assumes your garbage can is easy for the baby to access. Shoes in the shoebox work or sippy cup by the sink also work well to start responsibility training.
Get down at eye level with your child. You can’t communicate information if your child isn’t paying attention to you. Say, “ Sally, put your diaper in the garbage” Hand the baby the diaper and toddle with her to the garbage. Toss the diaper in the garbage, jump around like a fool, praising her to the hilt. Take the diaper out, walk a few steps back, do the whole thing again two more times.
Continue above when ever you change her diaper. Several diapers later, hand her the diaper, give her the request and walk behind her. When she tosses the diaper in the garbage, jump around like a fool clapping and praising her.
Eventually hand her the diaper and off she will go to the garbage. Thank her for doing a good job.
Will a young preschool understand why you are requesting she do what ever, no of course not. As a parent you a building a platform for future training. We teach our 2 year olds their letters as a platform to teaching them to read at a future date. It is easier to start training with a 2 year old than a 5 year old. It is far easier to character train a 5 year old than a 9 year old. You will have a struggle if you wait until nine (not a good idea) and by 12 your influence is lessening as other influences begin to vie for your child’s attention.
Through the whole process, keep explaining why it is important for Sally to be responsible. The why is anchored in your values. If you don’t explain why you are doing what you are doing, your child will fill the whys in for herself. When she is older, she could easily decide the reason she has to put her shoes away, clean her room or take out the garbage is that you are lazy! (Seen that happen.)
We anchored why we do what we do in the nature and person of God. God is a God of order and we are responsible/delighted to use the blessing He has given us to honor Him. At 18 months truth was filtered down to “It makes Jesus happy when we take care of His blessings”.
Next time: Teaching older children
Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 12:00AM Getting From Here to There: A Vision of the Future part 1
Over time as you think and pray through what is important, it helps to form a vision statement, something to guide your overall decision making process as you transverse the myriad of decisions you will be making as a parent.
A vision statement doesn’t have to be detailed or complicated. It is meant to be a star to guide you as opposed to a detailed map. One or two sentences will be of more help in the long term than a 3-page outline. This is mine, yours may be very different: I want my children to be adults in God’s kingdom.
That’s it. This simple statement encompasses all that I desire for my kids in terms of both their character and what they may achieve with their lives. I know as they grow they may have a different vision for their future and as adults, they are entitled to blaze their unique trail in life. If the path they choose is different from the one I envision as their parent, that may or may not be sad for me. It is our responsibility as parents to first lead, then guide, than set our kids free. You can’t lead if you don’t know where you are headed.
Where are you headed with your child? What overall vision will guide your decision making for the years of parenting you have left? Can you summarize your vision is a sentence or two?
Next on Getting From Here to There: Character Training= Teaching + Discipline + Punishment
Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 12:00AM Getting From Here to There: Intro
As you look into the face of your precious 2 year old, it is hard to image 16 years could go by and someday you will be looking up into the precious (or perhaps pernicious) eyes of your 18 year old. What will shape the content of your parenting for the next 12 or so years? By age 14, wise parents are moving from the directive stage of parenting into a coaching stage.
From birth to about 12 years of age, parents has the most influence in developing character in their child. There is a transition time from around 12 to 14. By age 14, kids are going to do what they want. Their decisions are influenced by friends, media, school, church and their family and other influences you can’t image now. Who knows how the media/entertainment/educational industries will develop over the next two decades and how that will affect your child’s thinking.
Now is the time to think carefully about what is important to you as a person and how to transmit that information to your child. What matters to you? What do you value in terms of character? Than what is the process you will use over the next 12 or so years to teach your child is what is important. In effect, what is your vision for your child as an adult?
Start with what is important…do you value integrity? Gentleness? Faithfulness? Self-control? Being responsible? The willingness to work hard? Some traits to think about in deciding what you value:
When you think about your child’s character as an adult what do you most desire for them to be?